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September 18, 2020, 19:30:21 pm

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The surest sign that intelligent life does exist elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us !


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

Just had one of those spam phone calls


Do you appear in the form of water droplets?

Are you found on grass and windows in the morning?

If so, you may be dew condensation...
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Got home last night and it was not good news. All the windows were open, there was quite a bit of damage and everything was gone.

To say I'm gutted is an understatement, so I'm off to buy another advent calendar.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Hearing about the bucket of gold theft reminds me of the man with piles of gold.
When asked how it felt he replied "wealthy but uncomfortable!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

My blonde wife was taking a long time to do the weekly shop, so when she eventually got home I asked if there was any problems. She confessed that she'd been in the supermarket and had picked up some Batman shampoo that was on special offer. She then wasted 30 minutes trying to find Conditioner Gordon.....
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Since I started using Liquorice as fishing bait, I've been catching all sorts ...
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

December 15, 2016, 13:12:57 pm #234 Last Edit: December 15, 2016, 13:14:04 pm by fred
Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.

Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.

Most news programmes just glossed over this.

and brushed it off.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Man has been killed at a Nescafe Coffee Factory, people were concerned about whether he suffered.
Nescafe said he couldn't have as it was Instant.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

My wife loves going shopping for things that have been marked down.

Yesterday she came home with an escalator.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Mountainous regions aren't just funny... They're hill areas.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.