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Izzy did it.  Beam told her to.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

A Maharajah of an old Indian Princely State became a total animal lover, and issued a decree that no native animals were to be killed.

Within a few years, his State became overrun with tigers, and they started to decimate the population.

The people of the State rose up against the Maharajah in anger and revolt about the decree against killing wildlife, and the Maharajah had to flee for his life, abandoning his Empire and throne.

This is believed to be the first time in recorded history where the reign was cancelled because of the game.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer ??!"

Nana of 8

Newlyweds come back from their honeymoon and start their first week as a married couple at home. On Wednesday, the wife asks her husband, "What are your plans for the weekend?"
"I'm going to pull a Jesus," the husband replies
Surprised, the wife inquires, "And what does that mean?"
Chuckling, the husband replies, "I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!"
On hearing that the wife retorts, "Sounds great. You do that and I'll do a Mary - show up pregnant untouched by my husband."
The man stayed home.
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

Waynetta goes to the dole office to register for benefits.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer
"Ten" says Waynetta.
"Ten?" says the welfare officer. "What are their names?"
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan." replies Waynetta
"doesn't that get confusing? asks the welfare officer.
"Naaah" says Waynetta "It's great because if they are playing out in the street I just shout "Nathan, dinner time" or "Nathan, get in, it's time for bed" and they all come running in.
"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the welfare officer.
"Oh, that's easy!" says Waynetta, "I just use their surnames!"
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.
I have a story to tell.
Lend me your ears, if you've not got them with you,
Your noses will do just as well.
What we want today is social reform, parish reform and more than likely chloroform.
What did Gladstone say after '99? Why, 100 of course. And he was right.
I represent the common people and nobody is more common than I am.
We have the Press behind us and if there is one thing I like to see in a newspaper
It's a good feed of fish and chips.
I've just arrived from the League of Nations and I'll tell you all about it.
The League of Nations met in Berwick Market,
To discuss on which side kippers ought to swim.
There were Hottentots and Prussians playing honeypots on cushions,
And a Greek with bubble and squeak upon his chin.
Some drove up in taxis that were empty,
Some arrived to say they couldn't come.
The Hindus had their quilts on, the Hebrews had their kilts on,
A Scandinavian rose and said `By Gum,
Think of what we have done in the future,
Shall we do our duty in the past?'
The Japanese Prime Minister got up and said `Tush, tush'.
Someone threw a shepherd's pie that hit his Shepherd's Bush.
A Scotsman from the north land got up and spoke in shorthand,
Like a vegetarian straight from Botany Bay.
He said, `Where has the kidney bean? What made the woodbine wild?
Is red cabbage greengrocery? And tell me friends,' he smiled,
`Can a bandy-legged gherkin be a straight cucumber's child?
That's what Crosse and Blackwell want to know today.'

The League of Nations met at Marks and Woolworths,
And asked them if a discount they'd allow.
A farmer with his tanner said he wished to buy a spanner,
He could use when he was milking of the cow.
A Turk said `We want work, and not much of it,
A job like giving gooseberries Marcel waves.'
A Zulu most courageous said, `Brothers it's outrageous,
Black puddings should be treated as white slaves'.
Shall we ever do so if we can't do,
Could we, would we, if we, p'raps we won't.
Admiral McNestle of the Swiss Navy arose shouting
`Where would Turkey be without the parson's nose?'
The Rajah of Shlemozzle got up and blew his nozzle,
He had these few well-chosen words to say,
`Can a sausage keep its figure if its burberry is slack?
If a duck has had its tonsils out where does it keep its quack?
We know a hen can lay an egg but can it put it back?
That's what Levy and Franks are fighting for today.' !
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Jokes about white sugar are rare.
But jokes about brown sugar?
Demerara.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

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Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

I suffer from diarrhoea, my dad suffers from diarrhoea, my grandad suffers from diarrhoea and so does my great-grandad
.........
Runs in the family
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

I've just had a phone call from the Russian bride mail order service. They've run out of Russians but have sent an alternative nationality.

Apparently my Czech is in the post...
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A very attractive and well endowed lady visited a Harley St. clinic for artificial insemination.

She was asked by the nurse to get undressed, put on a paper gown, go into the treatment room and wait on the couch.

The couch was by a large window, it was a sunny day and the room was very hot.

The patient opened the window and removed her paper gown.

The male Doctor came in, alone, and was stunned by this voluptuous woman naked on the couch. Unable to resist her got undressed and joined her there. Half an hour of uninhibited passionate lust and sex then took place.

When it was over and both had recovered a little the woman spoke:-

" Well Doctor, that was an amazing experience and one which I shall remember for the rest of my life. I am a little surprised though- I always imagined artificial insemination was to do with bottle and syringes and things like that. "

" It usually is. " Replied the Doctor " But we have it on draught here..................................
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person. Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
This world is too cruel for the kind hearted
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

I was in Boots today and someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

Thankfully, my injuries were only super fish oil.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse