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Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

I would regard myself as open minded.

If a blind man wants to drive a bus, I won't stand in his way.

Tâf

I had a fling with a woman from my fencing club.

It was a rather sworded affair.

fred

Scotsman: "I'm awa' to the dance the noo."

Englishman: "Ballroom?"

Scotsman; "Aye, I'm wearin' the kilt!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

The London Underground lost property office received a mysterious box. They called the bomb squad who carefully opened it to find inside a coronet. Further inquiries revealed it had been left by a member of the House of Lords, who on his way home from a long sitting in the house, and was getting on a bit & rather absent minded. Anyway they traced the doddery noble lord & returned the coronet to his stately pile on the Yorkshire moors.

It was indeed the Rt Hon. Ilkley Moor, bart's hat.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

I've booked a surprise table for 2 later on tonight. Let's hope her snooker skills have improved since last time
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

Where can you find scenic pictures of holiday resorts ?

...Answers on a postcard.

Nana of 8

Heard someone refer to a "walk-in, walk-out wardrobe" the other day. I'd always assumed the "walk-out" bit was implicit...
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

A bloke cleaning out his attic discovered an old oil painting and an old violin.

Thinking they might be worth something, he took them both along to an art dealer to have them appraised.

The art dealer examined them and mused, "Well, well - what you have here, is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius!"

"So they're both worth a great deal?!", exclaimed the bloke excitedly.

"Hell, No", said the dealer. "Rembrandt couldn't produce any musical instrument that would play a decent tune, and Stradivarius was an utterly hopeless painter!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

What do you call an exploding monkey?........................................... .................................BABOOM!
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

sorry ladies


There's been outrage amongst feminist groups upon hearing that in some Islamic countries that women can't drive.

Whilst completely overlooking the fact that the same is also true in all Western countries......
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.


Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bo**ocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.