• Welcome, Guest. Please login.
 
November 28, 2020, 11:33:32 am

News:

Silence is golden.  Duct tape is silver.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Nana of 8

A mate of mine tried to sell me a couple of E's last night.

I'm sure that's not how you play Scrabble.
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

My mate tried to sell me 8 legs of venison...I told him that was too dear....
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

Was reminded yesterday of the old joke about the British dignitary visiting a court in the centre of a Dark Continent. Halfway through the proceedings the Briton noticed a man going around with a small hammer striking all the ladies on their breasts. When he asked the reason for this he was told that it was just following British courtroom tradition - it was often reported that "a titter went round the court"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

Where can Neptune's shellfish be found moving in a train?

King's crustacean.

fred

A French legionnaire stands on the battlement gazing at the endless desert, tears running down his face.
His companion says "But what is the matter, mon brave?"
"I joined the legion to forget"
"A woman, eh?"
"Yes"
" So why all the tears?"
"Her name is Sandy"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Nana of 8

Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave. He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into earthenware.

Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Nana of 8

Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

There is a secret society called The Rolled-Up Newspaper Enthusiasts (TRUNE).
They hold an annual meeting every year over the last weekend of June in a different secret location each year.

I wonder what they get up too?

I'd love to be a fly on the wall there.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

How easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew?

a) don't

b) leave it

fred

Did you know that Phil Spector's brother Crispin is head of quality control at Walkers Crisps?
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

There was de brie everywhere!
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A rookie Policeman goes to a house after a report of a gunshot being heard.

He radio's into the Police Station,
'Sarge' you there?'

'Yes, I'm here, what is the problem? Do you need back-up?'

'Well Sarge, There is an old woman here who has shot her husband for walking on the kitchen floor whilst it was still wet after she had mopped it.'

'Have you arrested her?'

'Not yet Sarge'

'Why not?'

'The floor is still wet.....'
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

They obviously don't have cats...
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse