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Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred


Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park is falling into disrepair and there are no funds available to replace it.
When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said:
"Well, it would just have to try and defend itself the best it could."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred


Urinating in elevators! That's just wrong on so many levels.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

After buying a pair of talkative parrots, a male and female, the young lady found she had trouble identifying which one was which.
She called the pet shop for advice.

"It's easy!", said the pet shop proprietor. "Just wait until you see them mating, and then tie a white ribbon around the males neck, so you can identify him!"

The young lady watched and waited, then one day she walked into the house, and caught the parrots in furious copulation.
She promptly grabbed the white ribbon and quickly tied it around the males neck.

A few days later, the young lady put on an afternoon tea for the Vicar.
The instant the male parrot spotted the Vicar, he squawked - "Ha! I see she caught you having some nookie, too!!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

As a protective father to a teenage daughter my mate thought it was time to teach her some life skills. He took her to a chicken farm where he made her repeatedly try to take eggs from a nest that the Rooster was protecting. She tried and failed several times until she was bloody and bruised. He ask what she had learned today?

'I don't know dad?'

'Dont play with cocks'
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

After losing his home due to Conservative cuts my chum sarcastically wrote to his Tory MP informing him that his wife and he were very comfortable sleeping in the front seats of their car but if we were to have a child in the future we could probably accommodate it in the boot.

He's now paying bedroom tax.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Nana of 8

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

 I bought a pair of trainers off a drug dealer. Don't know how he laced them but I've been tripping all day.
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

I never wanted to belive my dad was stealing from the roadwork site. But when I got home from school all the signs were there
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

A N B G, that's bang out of order.
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

 I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed him up but it just made him more sluggish
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

 I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Nana of 8

Man to GP - "Dr.Dr. I think I'm a moth".
GP -" You don't need me, you need a psychiatrist".
Man - "I know, but I was just passing & saw your light was on."
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Becky the blonde was delighted when finally her long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told her she had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the same day, took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, she stopped by the local college so she could enroll in night courses. After she filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

She said proudly, "I just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. I just want to be able to understand him."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse