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He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Tâf

Tracy Pollan , Michael J. Fox's partner, has been thinking about the day he dies and preparing for his funeral for some time.

Her biggest worry is getting the flowers right.

Doesn't seem to matter what she thinks of though, she always ends up going back to the fuchsia.

Tâf

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

K@

Bet she was a Southend girl...
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the
foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
Women who died in the service."Soberly, they just stood together,
staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible
and trembling with fear, asked,

"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Okay, she was listening.......

A visiting minister offered the morning prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "without You, we are but dust...."

He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment when he
paused for a breath, one very obedient young girl (who was listening
carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked, quite audibly, in her
shrill little voice...,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

"Doc," I said, "every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," he said. "You're exhausted."

fred

An Apology from the Military Hospital:

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis was not cancerous .

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Three men at the top of a slide. Told that whatever they shout as they slide down they'll land in at the bottom.
The first man slides down and shouts "Money". He lands in a huge pile of notes.
The second man slides down and shouts "women". He lands surrounded by beautiful women.
The third man, being a typical man, has been waiting so long he forgets what he's supposed to do and simply shouts "weeeeeeeee
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Three storks met up.

"What are you doing?" the first was asked.

"I'm bringing a little girl to a couple who have been trying for a baby for 10 years."

"Cool! And you, the second?"

"I'm bringing a little boy to a lady who has never had children."

"That's great and you - what are you bringing?" the third was asked.

"Nothing. I'm just landing in the nearby convent to watch the panic!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

New EU edict. All Euro notes are now to be printed on Greece proof paper.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"A chap called Bill notices green lumps on his willy.

So off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby union players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse