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February 25, 2021, 02:56:34 am

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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

Rural winged insects aren't attracted to city lights. It's just an urban moth
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

BBC News admits typo: "Neanderthal genes 'survive in us'" should read...

BBC NEWS: Neanderthal genes 'survive in U.S.'
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Nana of 8

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners yesterday.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty!
Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

"Oh look, it's Ian McKellen, one of Britain's greatest actors!"

"Actually," he said, "I'm Sir Ian."

"My mistake," I apologised to my mates, "it's one of them refugees."

fred

I walked into Asda this morning and some random bloke started throwing milk, eggs and cheese at me.

I thought "How Dairy."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from England."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

This week's transatlantic, 'special relationship' phonecall...

Dave: Hello Mr President, can you hear me?

Obama: Yes, Prime Minister, I hear you, but you have some crackling on your end!
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

A Jewish man asks, "Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity."

"I don't know," answered the Rabbi. "Come back tomorrow, and I'll ask advice from God."

The man comes back the next day.

"I can't help you," says the Rabbi. "God told me she has the same problem."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

Two policemen knocked on my door.

They said, "We've been getting complaints."

"You should start doing a better job then." I replied.

fred

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Gym?  Thought you said Gin.