Why can't an octopus make nine girls laugh at the same time ?
Because he can only gesticulate.....
Mick is walking along the bottom of some scaffolding when suddenly he spies Pete the Brummie flying through the air landing in a crumpled crushed dead heap at his feet. Appalled , Mick screams "begat & begorrah, fit did he dae that fur?" Kevin, the Essex foreman mutters .. " I told him I flew in Wellingtons during the war!"
"What's your favourite part of swimming pools?"
"Not sure, depends I suppose."
"Yeah, mine too."
The new Star Wars film will feature a new fat robot to star alongside R2D2 and C3P0, he will be called OBCT.
I see Sunni and Shia are at each other's throats again.
I thought they split up years ago? ???
The wife said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.
The bell on my bike has fell off, so I've attached a peashooter to warn people when I'm near.
I've decided to call it my no bell pea surprise.
My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it....but when I got home all the signs were there.
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
In 1944 John Smith got his call-up papers from the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for John Smith since 1944.
'Viagra' is now available in tea bags.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Careful, Fred... I smiled, then. :)
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore..... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
I had bubble and squeak for breakfast this morning.
Now the wife has told me to go and get the kids two new hamsters.......
Teacher: If you were a great composer, where would you live?
Boy: In A Flat.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died last week? He pasta way
Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Business Man: What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir
Business Man: How?
Hostess: Same price!
A bloke is walking past a prison wall....
when a dwarf comes flying over the wall and lands on the pavement by him.
"don't worry" says the dwarf "I'm only a little condecending"
Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his Mother he's arrived?
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
Said the Brummie to the Bee.
A man walks in to the doctor's and says "Doctor doctor I've got a piece of lettuice sticking out of my bum"
The doctor has a look and says "It's the tip of the iceberg"
"liece of lettuice" was quite funny, at least... ;)
Quote from: K@ on October 04, 2014, 22:28:37 pm
"liece of lettuice" was quite funny, at least... ;)
An insect just flew into my room and exploded....
...it must have been a Jihaddy Longlegs.
What happened at the end of the Italian fairy tale?
They all lived in Napoli ever after.
What do you call an Irish Rastafarian?
"Doctor, I've got premature ejaculation"
"Well don't come in here!"
I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.
The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"
I said, "No but I did get a budgie excited once."
A friend just returned from a trip to West Africa and now he can't stop buying raffle tickets...
...we are concerned that he may have contracted Tombola.
I've just release my first single on 7" Vinyl.
A side: Oh I do like to be.
B side: The seaside.
What can you jump over that's a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.
The barman says, "I'm serving Narnia!"
I have just heard that the inventor of perforated paper forms has died.
I just arrived at one of those Swiss assisted suicide places.
It cost me 44,000 and after paying all that money, guess what the bastards gave me for breakfast this morning?
The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Bristol earlier today.
Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend.
First bus to run on shit my arse. What about Cameron's election tourbus?
Nick Clegg might as well become a Jehovah's Witness .
They won't be having a party at Christmas either .
"I've had a little prang in your new Bentley" texted my wife.
"Is there much damage?" I enquired
"I've only pushed the grill in" she replied
"It's spelt grille darling" I answered.
"No it's definitely grill it's the one at the Savoy" she said
"I've had a little prang in your new Bentley" texted my wife.
"Is there much damage?" I enquired
"I've only pushed the grill in" she replied
"It's spelt grille darling" I answered.
"No it's definitely "grill"............ it's the one at the Savoy" she said
Animal rights groups are angry about the treatment of animals in 'I'm A Celebrity'..
They're particularly concerned about the Elephant with blonde hair.
I asked my mum where my dad was going with my game of twister,
"He's joining the Masons tonight and he thinks it may help him with the handshakes, " she said.
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.
After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
"What is the name of the South African paralympic athlete nicknamed the Blade Runner?" I was asked when appearing on 'Eggheads' tonight.
"Can I take a shot in the dark?" I asked
"We'll give you that one.... it's Oscar Pistorius"
Eyes are turning to the next football World Cup and it's difficult to say who might win at this stage though.
Perhaps I should write to FIFA, I'm sure they already know...
Quote from: fred on November 22, 2014, 10:00:14 amPerhaps I should write to FIFA, I'm sure they already know...
I was in Lidl's t'other day. With them prepping for Xmas they had boxes stacked up. Anyway a couple of boxes of tinned tuna went over and fell on me.
I was a bit shocked but I was OK because I only suffered (wait for it)
What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!
I would regard myself as open minded.
If a blind man wants to drive a bus, I won't stand in his way.
I had a fling with a woman from my fencing club.
It was a rather sworded affair.
Scotsman: "I'm awa' to the dance the noo."
Scotsman; "Aye, I'm wearin' the kilt!"
The London Underground lost property office received a mysterious box. They called the bomb squad who carefully opened it to find inside a coronet. Further inquiries revealed it had been left by a member of the House of Lords, who on his way home from a long sitting in the house, and was getting on a bit & rather absent minded. Anyway they traced the doddery noble lord & returned the coronet to his stately pile on the Yorkshire moors.
It was indeed the Rt Hon. Ilkley Moor, bart's hat.
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
I've booked a surprise table for 2 later on tonight. Let's hope her snooker skills have improved since last time
Where can you find scenic pictures of holiday resorts ?
...Answers on a postcard.
Heard someone refer to a "walk-in, walk-out wardrobe" the other day. I'd always assumed the "walk-out" bit was implicit...
A bloke cleaning out his attic discovered an old oil painting and an old violin.
Thinking they might be worth something, he took them both along to an art dealer to have them appraised.
The art dealer examined them and mused, "Well, well - what you have here, is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius!"
"So they're both worth a great deal?!", exclaimed the bloke excitedly.
"Hell, No", said the dealer. "Rembrandt couldn't produce any musical instrument that would play a decent tune, and Stradivarius was an utterly hopeless painter!"
What do you call an exploding monkey?........................................... .................................BABOOM!
There's been outrage amongst feminist groups upon hearing that in some Islamic countries that women can't drive.
Whilst completely overlooking the fact that the same is also true in all Western countries......
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bo**ocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
A mate of mine tried to sell me a couple of E's last night.
I'm sure that's not how you play Scrabble.
My mate tried to sell me 8 legs of venison...I told him that was too dear....
Was reminded yesterday of the old joke about the British dignitary visiting a court in the centre of a Dark Continent. Halfway through the proceedings the Briton noticed a man going around with a small hammer striking all the ladies on their breasts. When he asked the reason for this he was told that it was just following British courtroom tradition - it was often reported that "a titter went round the court"
Where can Neptune's shellfish be found moving in a train?
A French legionnaire stands on the battlement gazing at the endless desert, tears running down his face.
His companion says "But what is the matter, mon brave?"
"I joined the legion to forget"
"A woman, eh?"
" So why all the tears?"
"Her name is Sandy"
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave. He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into earthenware.
Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.
Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
There is a secret society called The Rolled-Up Newspaper Enthusiasts (TRUNE).
They hold an annual meeting every year over the last weekend of June in a different secret location each year.
I wonder what they get up too?
I'd love to be a fly on the wall there.
How easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew?
b) leave it
Did you know that Phil Spector's brother Crispin is head of quality control at Walkers Crisps?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
There was de brie everywhere!
A rookie Policeman goes to a house after a report of a gunshot being heard.
He radio's into the Police Station,
'Sarge' you there?'
'Yes, I'm here, what is the problem? Do you need back-up?'
'Well Sarge, There is an old woman here who has shot her husband for walking on the kitchen floor whilst it was still wet after she had mopped it.'
'Have you arrested her?'
'Not yet Sarge'
'The floor is still wet.....'
They obviously don't have cats...
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Sean Connery has adopted a homeless tabby cat covered in fag ends.
He said it was ashtray cat.
My duck is a master of karate.
I turned into a cat earlier.
Don't ask meow.
We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.
My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.
My family has lived in the East End for generations, so I've given my son a good Cockney name.
My son sent me a card in hospital saying, 'Get Hell Soon'.
He meant well.
A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,
"Enter the dragon, " I replied.
"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically,
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."
He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate."
He said, "Are you 18?"
I said, "No."
He said, "I can't serve you then."
As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?"
All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these to table six then."
The wife stormed indoors, "You bastard, I'll never get rid of that smell."
"But you said I could do it!" I replied.
"Like f**k I did!" she said.
"You did. I told you the toilet was blocked and I was desperate."
"But I told you to go to your mum's round the corner?" she stammered.
"And I said I didn't think I'd make it and you said, never mind, here's the keys, go in my car!"
Security concerns have been raised following reports that the perimeter fencing at Knowsley Safari Park is falling into disrepair and there are no funds available to replace it.
When asked about the consequences of a lion escaping and wandering around Merseyside, a park spokesman said:
"Well, it would just have to try and defend itself the best it could."
Urinating in elevators! That's just wrong on so many levels.
After buying a pair of talkative parrots, a male and female, the young lady found she had trouble identifying which one was which.
She called the pet shop for advice.
"It's easy!", said the pet shop proprietor. "Just wait until you see them mating, and then tie a white ribbon around the males neck, so you can identify him!"
The young lady watched and waited, then one day she walked into the house, and caught the parrots in furious copulation.
She promptly grabbed the white ribbon and quickly tied it around the males neck.
A few days later, the young lady put on an afternoon tea for the Vicar.
The instant the male parrot spotted the Vicar, he squawked - "Ha! I see she caught you having some nookie, too!!"
As a protective father to a teenage daughter my mate thought it was time to teach her some life skills. He took her to a chicken farm where he made her repeatedly try to take eggs from a nest that the Rooster was protecting. She tried and failed several times until she was bloody and bruised. He ask what she had learned today?
'I don't know dad?'
'Dont play with cocks'
After losing his home due to Conservative cuts my chum sarcastically wrote to his Tory MP informing him that his wife and he were very comfortable sleeping in the front seats of their car but if we were to have a child in the future we could probably accommodate it in the boot.
He's now paying bedroom tax.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
I bought a pair of trainers off a drug dealer. Don't know how he laced them but I've been tripping all day.
I never wanted to belive my dad was stealing from the roadwork site. But when I got home from school all the signs were there
A N B G, that's bang out of order.
I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed him up but it just made him more sluggish
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
Man to GP - "Dr.Dr. I think I'm a moth".
GP -" You don't need me, you need a psychiatrist".
Man - "I know, but I was just passing & saw your light was on."
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens...
Becky the blonde was delighted when finally her long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told her she had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the same day, took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, she stopped by the local college so she could enroll in night courses. After she filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
She said proudly, "I just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. I just want to be able to understand him."
I knew that girl...
Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.
Tracy Pollan , Michael J. Fox's partner, has been thinking about the day he dies and preparing for his funeral for some time.
Her biggest worry is getting the flowers right.
Doesn't seem to matter what she thinks of though, she always ends up going back to the fuchsia.
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
Bet she was a Southend girl...
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the
foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
Women who died in the service."Soberly, they just stood together,
staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible
and trembling with fear, asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Okay, she was listening.......
A visiting minister offered the morning prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "without You, we are but dust...."
He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment when he
paused for a breath, one very obedient young girl (who was listening
carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked, quite audibly, in her
shrill little voice...,
"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
"Doc," I said, "every time I fart the room fills with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's the matter with me?"
"That's easy," he said. "You're exhausted."
An Apology from the Military Hospital:
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis was not cancerous .
It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
Three men at the top of a slide. Told that whatever they shout as they slide down they'll land in at the bottom.
The first man slides down and shouts "Money". He lands in a huge pile of notes.
The second man slides down and shouts "women". He lands surrounded by beautiful women.
The third man, being a typical man, has been waiting so long he forgets what he's supposed to do and simply shouts "weeeeeeeee
Three storks met up.
"What are you doing?" the first was asked.
"I'm bringing a little girl to a couple who have been trying for a baby for 10 years."
"Cool! And you, the second?"
"I'm bringing a little boy to a lady who has never had children."
"That's great and you - what are you bringing?" the third was asked.
"Nothing. I'm just landing in the nearby convent to watch the panic!"
New EU edict. All Euro notes are now to be printed on Greece proof paper.
After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour"A chap called Bill notices green lumps on his willy.
So off he goes to the doctor.
The doctor explains "You know how wrestlers and rugby union players get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes" says Bill, nodding seriously.
"Well" says the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
Rural winged insects aren't attracted to city lights. It's just an urban moth
BBC News admits typo: "Neanderthal genes 'survive in us'" should read...
BBC NEWS: Neanderthal genes 'survive in U.S.'
I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners yesterday.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty!
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago."
"Oh look, it's Ian McKellen, one of Britain's greatest actors!"
"Actually," he said, "I'm Sir Ian."
"My mistake," I apologised to my mates, "it's one of them refugees."
I walked into Asda this morning and some random bloke started throwing milk, eggs and cheese at me.
I thought "How Dairy."
This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from England."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
This week's transatlantic, 'special relationship' phonecall...
Dave: Hello Mr President, can you hear me?
Obama: Yes, Prime Minister, I hear you, but you have some crackling on your end!
:) :) :) :)
A Jewish man asks, "Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity."
"I don't know," answered the Rabbi. "Come back tomorrow, and I'll ask advice from God."
The man comes back the next day.
"I can't help you," says the Rabbi. "God told me she has the same problem."
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
Two policemen knocked on my door.
They said, "We've been getting complaints."
"You should start doing a better job then." I replied.
[attachment deleted by admin]
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
If either of the Chuckle Brothers ever has a vasectomy then the other one is contractually obliged to have a vasectoyou.
Keep digging, Tâf...
Just as well Humphrey Bogart had a cold when filming Casablanca
I'm not sure the line "here's looking, kid" would have ended up as one of the most memorable movie lines ever.
Conjunctivitis.com - now that's a site for sore eyes.
A couple arrive at a remote country pub one evening. Nobody in the bar and a bored barman/landlord watching TV.
After a couple of drinks the barman gets chatting to them and a good rapport develops.
The young man says to the barman:-
"I'll bet you twenty quid my wife can pee higher up a wall than you can."
Barman: "Nah, not a chance."
"OK, let's make it forty quid? But no standing on tip-toe, or cheating any other way."
Barman looks at the rather diminutive woman , and decides it's a no-brainer.
"OK, let's go out the back, there'll be nobody watching but just us. Being a gentleman, I offer the lady to go first. OK?"
So, the woman removes her knickers, stands legs apart, lifts her skirts, and starts to pee against the wall.
"Not bad, eh?" says the husband, "That's about fifteen inches up the wall." He marks it with a pencil.
"Right, my turn. This is going to be the easiest forty pounds I've ever earned." says the barman as he opens his flies, takes out his old man and aims it at a spot about two feet up the wall.
"Ah ah ah,NO!" says the woman -
A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
I use "incorrect" as a password. Then, if I forget, I put any old word in and it always tells me that my password's incorrect, which reminds me... ;)
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?
You look for the fresh prints.
Sheepdog: Here's the 30 sheep you asked for.
Shepherd: I counted, there's only 26.
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up.
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get the knobhead to reduce it. See you later, dad."
:) :) :)
Tell me have you ever wondered when and where yodelling began ? Another true story...
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, " Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, " Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, " We made such passionate love last night."
"What ?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked down from the mountainside, cupped his hand to his mouth, and yelled out.
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
I'M GONNA FIND YOU!
I can't believe this has happened to me just before Christmas! I just got home to find all the windows open! They've taken everything.It's all gone.I'm waiting for the Police! The dirty rotten thieving bastards.What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person?
You are not human,you are low life scum!
That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open it and eat all of the chocolates
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Why did the Pirate give his ship a coat of paint?
Its timbers were shivering.
Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."
India has launched a spacecraft to Mars.
With the hope of establishing a call centre location with even poorer communication quality and response times.
I've got a new job. I'm helping out a one-armed typist whenever she needs to type a capital letter.
It's shift work.
I was thinking about how the Americans have butchered our language and decided to list a few 'key' words they have spelt incorrectly. I have shown the correct version, then the American version and noted the letter that is wrong:
English ---------------> USA
pyjamas -------------> pajamas --------- Y
moustache ----------> mustache ------ O
colour ---------------> color ------------- U
mollusc ------------> mollusk, ---------- C
encyclopaedia ----> encyclopedia ---- A
bannister ----------> banister ---------- N
carburettor --------> carburetor ------- T
cosy -----------------> cozy -------------- S
sulphur -------------> sulfur ------------ P
enquiry -------------> inquiry ---------- E
fuelling -------------> fueling ---------- L
labelling ------------> labeling --------- L
Works for me! :)
If Athletes get Athletes Foot,
What do Elves get?
I told the boss a roll of bubble wrap had arrived....he said just pop it in the corner.....three and a half hours it took me. ......
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Why do all the teletubbies go to the toilet at the same time?
They've only got one tinky winky
"Too many people in French cities" by Francis Crowded
"A year in the saddle" by Major Bumsore.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them.
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
Due to flooding in North Wales nobody is getting taken up the A55 today.
SCameron has visited York. He's after the floating voters.
A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."
" Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."
The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."
"I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."
In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."
"Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"
The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth
I was given a laptop for Christmas. How does one get it to dance?
The jersey I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.
There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then... he jumped. Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance. hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet. Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool on the deck, did a last triple flip, and landed...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it?"
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see, I'm a just poor tramp so you must understand... I've been through many a hard ship in my life."
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.
You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.*
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.*
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.That should solve the problem.'*
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.*
'Wow thanks mum,' he exclaimed. 'All those for me?'*
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father'.
Guinness is very good at stopping diarrhea.
.... so long as the bottle stays in place
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
The standard of holidaymaker visiting Cornwall has gone somewhat down the pan. One summer evening there was a husband and wife having a ding dong argument in front of all the kids, then he hit her, she belted him back, this went on for a bit until the plod arrived, but the bloke pinched his truncheon and started on him.......
then a crocodile ate all the sandwiches.
One blonde to another. "I think my boyfriend dresses well."
The other, "Quickly too."
A man visited his doctor and said that he kept getting delusions that he was the number twenty.
The doctor examined him and said that he needed to relax as he was simply two tense.
I used to have a goldfish that could break-dance on the carpet.
It only lasted about 20 seconds and it only happened once.
The Poo List
You know you have pooed. There is poo on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
Teflon Coated Poo
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to see if you have been.
The Phut Poo.
A one walnut, no relief, "could have sworn you needed a better one than that" poo. Sometimes main constituent of the "Pop a Vein in your Head Poo". NEVER precedes the Second Thought Poo. Earlier formation of the Right Now Poo. Can be relied upon to precede the Big Occasion Poo.
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your undies so that you do not stain them. The poo leaves permanent marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Poo
You are all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise....... You have some more to come.
Pop a Vein in your Head Poo.
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It does not want to come out until you are all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Weight Watcher's Poo
You poo so much that you lose several kilograms.
The Right-Now Poo
You had better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode-Choker Poo
This one is so big you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else's house.
Even after the third flush it is still floating in the bowl. This one also is prevalent at someone else's house, especially when the host is waiting outside the door to use the toilet after you.
Closely related to this poo is :-
The Oh No Poo
Cork, balsa call it what you like, even the Alzheimers Poo. There it is floating/lurking when your host/girlfriend walks in and you're half way down the stairs before you remember you didn't flush the toilet.
Wet Cheeks Poo
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.
The Aarrrghhh Poo
This poo only happens when the water in the toilet is freeeezing cold. No warning, the torpedo hits the water in a millisecond, flattens like a dum-dum bullet and creates an all-invasive fountain which puts you in a foul mood for the rest of the day/evening/night. Essential to the formation and execution of this poo is the TOTAL lack of toilet paper within a day's walk!!!
Beer Drinker's and Meat Pie Eater's Poo
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell too badly, but this one is BAD. This one usually happens at your new girl/boy friend's house and they're outside the door, next in line.
Mexican Food Poo (also called Screamers)
You'll know it is safe to eat again when your backside stops burning.
Big Occasion Poo (Weddings, Graduation Ceremony, Auntie's Funeral, etc., etc.)
This poo really starts to make it's presence felt just as you enter the church, climb the stage, stand up to speak in front of honoured guests/colleagues/royalty etc., or when you have just passed the last service station for fifty miles on a freeway/motorway, whatever, and you're already late for The Big Occasion. No matter what you think about to rid your mind of the ever burgeoning size of this poo, you just know there is no way out of your predicament. What's worse, is that you know damned well it's going to develop, in parabolic proportion to the length of time you are obliged to stand there, into the very, very worst RIGHT NOW POO. EVER
And finally, the Aaahhhhhhhh Poo.
Yes, it's the one that the Right Now Poo turns into (IN YOUR DREAMS, MATEY!!)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
All so true!!
Masochist: "Whip me"
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site"
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan . And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: O h ......God!!! !
John my piano tuner is in the lounge working his usual miracles on my piano. I've just made him a sandwich.
Its a Tuna sandwich.
One student asked the parachute instructor how long did he have to pull the rip cord?
"The rest of your life" was the reply.
There was this woman who loved dogs, so she bought up all the old mill in England and converted then kennels , then she collected stray dogs from a German town. She became so famous they made a film about it.
Cant Remember !!
Well the opening scene the woman running up a hill, with arms open wide singing....
"The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich"
Hear about the Irishman, Northern Irishman and the Englishman who went into a bar? Barman says, "Come to watch Wales in the QF then lads?"
I told her not to be ridiculous: you don't get football on tv in the departure lounge!
Just went on one of those "once in a lifetime holidays"
Jeeeez, I'll tell ya, NEVER again !
Pulled into the services to fill up the car today,and didn't realise I'd splashed some petrol on the sleeve of my jacket.
Pulls out onto the motorway and went to light a cigarette,well my arm only ended up catching fire didn't it,so I stuck my arm out the window to try and blow it out,I dI'd this as a police car was overtaking me.
End result,they charged me with being in posession of an unlicensed fire arm
:lol: An armalite? ::)
What do you call an Egyptian window cleaner?
Sheikh Ma Chamois
Three Indian blokes snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
I phal over and died, one is in a korma and the third now has a dodgy tikka.
They committed hurry curry , obviously.
Two old guys decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"--- "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..'
His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch."
"A witch??. . Why would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!"
Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.
When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.
Turns out he's an odd job man.
A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe. They are drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves.
The publican chases him down the street, saying 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!"
The man says 'It's not a lion, it's a giraffe.'
WIFE: "I'm leaving! I can't take any more frog puns."
ME: "Sorry, I know they can be a tad polarizing."
ME: "That's a toadal overreaction."
I was doing a crossword the other day.
The clue was Frogmen, 6 letters.
Ah, I thought, then the answer is 'DIVERS'...
Turns out the answer was 'FRENCH'
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the earth."
........Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and
Q: Why does beer go through you so fast?
A: It does not have to stop to change colour.
Boy George has been arrested after his pet reptile attacked several members of the public.
He really needs a calmer chameleon.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low?
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth.'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!'
'Bloody hell,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle too!'
A man went to see the doctor. When asked what was the problem, he said his testicles seemed swollen and he was getting lethargic.
After examining him, the doctor explained to the patient "It is not good news, I am afraid. You have the dreaded dunph".
"What is the dreaded dunph?", the patient asked.
"Well, your testicles will swell more and more and the sac will droop lower and lower. The lethargy will also increase and you will become more and more lazy. And I am afraid there is no cure for it. Go home, settle down and wait for the inevitable outcome".
On the way down the street from the doctor's the man encountered another man standing on a street corner, screaming his head off. When he asked the stranger what was the problem, he replied "I've got the dreaded dunph".
"Well, so have I" said the first man, "and I'm not screaming my head off".
Aye, said the second man, but I am standing on my left ball and I'm too bloody lazy to get off it!
I used to date a girl with severe eczema.
She had cracking tits
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed!
Trump: I'm gonna be the president.
Castro: My work here is done...
Just had one of those spam phone calls
Do you appear in the form of water droplets?
Are you found on grass and windows in the morning?
If so, you may be dew condensation...
That's terrible, Fred. :)
Got home last night and it was not good news. All the windows were open, there was quite a bit of damage and everything was gone.
To say I'm gutted is an understatement, so I'm off to buy another advent calendar.
Hearing about the bucket of gold theft reminds me of the man with piles of gold.
When asked how it felt he replied "wealthy but uncomfortable!"
My blonde wife was taking a long time to do the weekly shop, so when she eventually got home I asked if there was any problems. She confessed that she'd been in the supermarket and had picked up some Batman shampoo that was on special offer. She then wasted 30 minutes trying to find Conditioner Gordon.....
Since I started using Liquorice as fishing bait, I've been catching all sorts ...
I have worse
Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.
Most news programmes just glossed over this.
and brushed it off.
Man has been killed at a Nescafe Coffee Factory, people were concerned about whether he suffered.
Nescafe said he couldn't have as it was Instant.
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
My wife loves going shopping for things that have been marked down.
Yesterday she came home with an escalator.
Mountainous regions aren't just funny... They're hill areas.
The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the Child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It's better than Derek."
John's wife told him that she doesn't care what she gets for Christmas this year.
"Just make sure it's got diamonds in it" she said.
John bought her a pack of playing cards.
John is not going to have a nice Christmas.
Q: What's a dog doing when he sniffs a tree?
A: Checking his p-mail.
Q: What's a dog doing when he sniffs a power pole?
A: Checking his post.
Christmas crackers, Fred?
just me crackers
SailorBill and his wife went to see a Relate councillor as their marriage was in difficulties.
"It's SailorBill" said the wife "He doesn't please me in bed".
"Why is that?" said the councillor.
"Well" said the wife "He used to be in the SAS".
"What has that got to do with sex?" said the councillor.
"It's because he is used to getting in and out without anyone noticing!" said the wife.
My pet chameleon, Fred, (who I've had for years) was found dead on the living room floor the other day. The vet said he had died of exhaustion.
I blame myself..I should never have bought that tartan carpet...
The first rule of The Thesaurus Club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, babble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parlay, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, sing, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquise, verbalise, voice or yak about The Thesaurus Club.
I agree, concur, accede, go along with, acquiesce, acknowledge.
My mum taught us to always wash food before preparing and eating.
After a lifetime of struggling with my reading, and in my fifth decade, I have finally been diagnosed with dyslexia.
It's such a relief.
It's music to my arse.
Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year...
My missus has asked me to get her something silky for Valentine's day,
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong feckin colour!!
That was when the fight started (https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/14k84z/and_thats_how_the_fight_started/).
Paddy walks into the site office carrying a flask.
Murphy: What you got there then?
Paddy: Tis a new flask
Murphy: Whats it do then?
Paddy: It keeps hot tings hot and cold tings cold
Murphy: So what you got in it then?
Paddy: Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.
"Look at that flock of cows"...
"Herd of cows you idiot"...
"Course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them over there"
The death of Kim Jong-nam is believed to have been caused by the application of handkerchiefs carrying a nerve agent to his face by two women.
Some commentators have asked why the women who applied it were not harmed before they could commit the offence and the answer is that two different chemicals were used which, when combined, became lethal.
The crime would have worked perfectly but for the women's decision to 'high-five' later in the car park.
A French farmer returns from the Salon of Agriculture in Paris and says to his wife:
"Honey, look at what I brought back from Paris, condoms with all the flavours: strawberry, vanilla, apple etc ...
So, we'll have a game, I'll turn off the light, put one on and you will have to recognize the flavour.
Ready? I'll turn off the light ... "
The wife says: "Roquefort?"
Farmer says "Hang on, hang on......I haven't started yet..."
Paddy takes his son to the zoo when they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said "That elephant over there can tell how old you are with just one look."
Paddy's son shouts over " How old am I Mr Elephant?"
The elephant looks back at Paddy's son and stamps his foot 6 times.
"Wow!" says Paddy "That's right my boy is 6 years old , so he is."
So Paddy shouts over to the elephant "Well how old am I Mr Elephant?"
The elephant looks back at Paddy, breaks wind and stamps his foot twice.
Paddy say's "Bejesus, he's only got it friggin' right! I'm farty two."
That's almost quite clever, that.
Bet you didn't know this. The new one pound coin has been designed so it can be extracted from a Yorkshire mans hand with a spanner.
A young child has been sitting in the toilet for some time, so his mother decides to see what he is up to. She goes in to find the youngster sat on the toilet reading a book, when he puts the book down and hits himself on the head. this happens every ten seconds or so. The mother asks what he is doing and is he OK. the boys says he is OK but he hasn't done anything yet. Mother asks why he keeps hitting his head. He replied.........
It works for ketchup.
Noah's diary: Day 39.
"Unicorn steaks are delicious!"
The pessimist says "It can't get any worse."
The optimist says "Of course it can."
I have a friend who mistook daffodil bulbs for onions and cooked and ate them. Apparently daff bulbs are highly toxic so he is now in hospital.
He should be out next spring.
Was giving a friend a driving lesson yesterday and I told her to depress the clutch so she looked down and said everybody likes the brakes and the accelerator is better than you.
An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.
"She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she does have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl. "Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow White."
Bloody 'auto-spell', it's your worst enema!
Take the nails out
FEET FIRST YA BASTARD!!!!!!
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden* early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
I was feeling ill and lying on the sofa staring out of the window when I thought I saw a sausage fly past the window. Looking more closely I saw that it was really a seabird. I'd obviously taken a tern for the wurst.
A modest Irish young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes Madame," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied, innocently lowering her lashes.
A Maharajah of an old Indian Princely State became a total animal lover, and issued a decree that no native animals were to be killed.
Within a few years, his State became overrun with tigers, and they started to decimate the population.
The people of the State rose up against the Maharajah in anger and revolt about the decree against killing wildlife, and the Maharajah had to flee for his life, abandoning his Empire and throne.
This is believed to be the first time in recorded history where the reign was cancelled because of the game.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer ??!"
Newlyweds come back from their honeymoon and start their first week as a married couple at home. On Wednesday, the wife asks her husband, "What are your plans for the weekend?"
"I'm going to pull a Jesus," the husband replies
Surprised, the wife inquires, "And what does that mean?"
Chuckling, the husband replies, "I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!"
On hearing that the wife retorts, "Sounds great. You do that and I'll do a Mary - show up pregnant untouched by my husband."
The man stayed home.
Waynetta goes to the dole office to register for benefits.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer
"Ten" says Waynetta.
"Ten?" says the welfare officer. "What are their names?"
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan." replies Waynetta
"doesn't that get confusing? asks the welfare officer.
"Naaah" says Waynetta "It's great because if they are playing out in the street I just shout "Nathan, dinner time" or "Nathan, get in, it's time for bed" and they all come running in.
"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the welfare officer.
"Oh, that's easy!" says Waynetta, "I just use their surnames!"
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.
I have a story to tell.
Lend me your ears, if you've not got them with you,
Your noses will do just as well.
What we want today is social reform, parish reform and more than likely chloroform.
What did Gladstone say after '99? Why, 100 of course. And he was right.
I represent the common people and nobody is more common than I am.
We have the Press behind us and if there is one thing I like to see in a newspaper
It's a good feed of fish and chips.
I've just arrived from the League of Nations and I'll tell you all about it.
The League of Nations met in Berwick Market,
To discuss on which side kippers ought to swim.
There were Hottentots and Prussians playing honeypots on cushions,
And a Greek with bubble and squeak upon his chin.
Some drove up in taxis that were empty,
Some arrived to say they couldn't come.
The Hindus had their quilts on, the Hebrews had their kilts on,
A Scandinavian rose and said `By Gum,
Think of what we have done in the future,
Shall we do our duty in the past?'
The Japanese Prime Minister got up and said `Tush, tush'.
Someone threw a shepherd's pie that hit his Shepherd's Bush.
A Scotsman from the north land got up and spoke in shorthand,
Like a vegetarian straight from Botany Bay.
He said, `Where has the kidney bean? What made the woodbine wild?
Is red cabbage greengrocery? And tell me friends,' he smiled,
`Can a bandy-legged gherkin be a straight cucumber's child?
That's what Crosse and Blackwell want to know today.'
The League of Nations met at Marks and Woolworths,
And asked them if a discount they'd allow.
A farmer with his tanner said he wished to buy a spanner,
He could use when he was milking of the cow.
A Turk said `We want work, and not much of it,
A job like giving gooseberries Marcel waves.'
A Zulu most courageous said, `Brothers it's outrageous,
Black puddings should be treated as white slaves'.
Shall we ever do so if we can't do,
Could we, would we, if we, p'raps we won't.
Admiral McNestle of the Swiss Navy arose shouting
`Where would Turkey be without the parson's nose?'
The Rajah of Shlemozzle got up and blew his nozzle,
He had these few well-chosen words to say,
`Can a sausage keep its figure if its burberry is slack?
If a duck has had its tonsils out where does it keep its quack?
We know a hen can lay an egg but can it put it back?
That's what Levy and Franks are fighting for today.' !
Jokes about white sugar are rare.
But jokes about brown sugar?
[attachment deleted by admin]
I suffer from diarrhoea, my dad suffers from diarrhoea, my grandad suffers from diarrhoea and so does my great-grandad
Runs in the family
I've just had a phone call from the Russian bride mail order service. They've run out of Russians but have sent an alternative nationality.
Apparently my Czech is in the post...
A very attractive and well endowed lady visited a Harley St. clinic for artificial insemination.
She was asked by the nurse to get undressed, put on a paper gown, go into the treatment room and wait on the couch.
The couch was by a large window, it was a sunny day and the room was very hot.
The patient opened the window and removed her paper gown.
The male Doctor came in, alone, and was stunned by this voluptuous woman naked on the couch. Unable to resist her got undressed and joined her there. Half an hour of uninhibited passionate lust and sex then took place.
When it was over and both had recovered a little the woman spoke:-
" Well Doctor, that was an amazing experience and one which I shall remember for the rest of my life. I am a little surprised though- I always imagined artificial insemination was to do with bottle and syringes and things like that. "
" It usually is. " Replied the Doctor " But we have it on draught here..................................
Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person. Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
This world is too cruel for the kind hearted
I was in Boots today and someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
Thankfully, my injuries were only super fish oil.
A zoo had two Gnus. A male Gnu and a female Gnu. It soon became apparent that the female Gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby Gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took it's first wobbly steps around the enclosure. One day it became apparent that the young Gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little Gnu died. The female Gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died. This greatly affected the male Gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed Gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male Gnu died.
Well, that's the end of the Gnus now here's the weather............
Who rode the moped, then?
I tried to share a bag of chips and a coffee with a homeless bloke in Leeds yesterday.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
A friend of mine needed a bone marrow transplant. Luckily, we found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.
Our heartfelt thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.
[attachment deleted by admin]
You're excelling yourself, Freddy... :)
Two Irish nuns have just
arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in
this country actually eat
"Odd," her companion
replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we
might as well do as the
As they sit, they hear a
push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog
"Two dogs, please!," says
one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited,
the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their
The mother superior is
first to open hers.
She begins to blush,
and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in
a soft brogue whispers:
"What part did you get?"
I bought a Mini Cooper last week. Now there's little barrels all over the house.
Took me a second... :)
Why do the ships of the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on their sides?
So that when they return to port, they Scan de navy in.
I met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area in the pub last night.
He had a Wigan address
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.
"Oh my Lord," says Farther Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up,....it's a mir....wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the
town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe). Yet the Holy See must be very cautious
before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
Did you hear about the Mexican fireman whose wife had bouncy twin boys?
He called one of them Jose, and the other....
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in Strangeways.
Hollywood are making an action movie about the great classical composers.
Bruce Willis says he wants to play Beethoven.
Sylvester Stallone says he want to play Mozart
And Arnold Schwarzenegger says "in that case I'll be Bach "
I went to the doctor as I kept seeing Mickey Mouse, Pluto and Goofy. He said "Sounds like you're having Disney spells."
I said to the baker "Why is it that all those cakes are 50p but this one, which is the same size, is £1"
He said "That's Madeira cake."
A man has started to sue his local hospital saying that after surgery his wife has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied that his wife had been admitted for only cataract surgery. It had been successful and full sight had been restored.
Overheard, an old man talking to a lady in a pub,
She; "I remember you when you were younger, you could bend an iron bar around your erection, bet you can't still do it".
He; "No, no longer I'm afraid, lost all the strength in my wrists".
The original cast of the 1960 Western, 'The Magnificent Seven" were reunited in Albert Docks, on the river Mersey in Liverpool, to star in a promotional video for Chanel Homme aftershave.
However, only six of them actually turned up.
Yul never wore cologne.
Took me a few seconds to get that one...
Sad news. Proposed Devon & Cornwall tour by supergroups Cream & The Jam cancelled after promoters couldn't decide which one should go on first.
Two for one:
It was midnight, lock up time at the old country pub. As the staff cashed up and put the money into the safe, they washed the glasses and restocked the bar, Then, they heard a terrible sound. A chilling caterwauling could be heard echoing through the bar. As the dying fire made the polished horse brasses glint, glasses were shattering in the racks above the bar. Corks popped from bottles, released champagne gushed...and then, they saw it.
A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.
"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"
The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...
"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."
Tiddles should have consulted the renown Vet Dr FrankInMug who was famouse for the first succesfull feline tail transplant.
So skilled was the great Dr. that te was even able to split a donor tail in two to provide a new tail for two cats.
As his fame spread a worldwide bestselling novel was written in his honor:
wait for it
The title of the novel was:
A tail of two kitties.
Sad news at the Nestle chocolate factory today, a man was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" Everyone just cheered!!
Peppa pig jig saw puzzle
A passionate kiss, like a spider web, can lead to the undoing of a fly.
Liking the jigsaw...
Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!"
And his people responded with thunderous applause!
Damn Amazon and their Black Friday crap.
I ordered four Kindles in their sale and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD !!!
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.
He decided that a few disciple would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Three days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?"
"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"
"It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Mexica"
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crystal meth from Los Angeles"
"Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"
"It's Judas" Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas?"
"Freeze! This is the FBI!"
What's a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?
I start with a "v" and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I?
I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?
What's in a man's pants that you won't find in a girl's dress?
INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY
Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
...guitar solo...slow bit...
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh
What do you call two men behind a pelmet?
Kurt and Rod
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
I thought PPI was a condition you got if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Careful, my ol' china. That was almost amusing, that. :-*
Quote from: K@ on February 12, 2018, 12:12:24 pm
Careful, my ol' china. That was almost amusing, that. :-*
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose!
A husband and wife were sitting together after dinner one evening. The wife got up to go to the kitchen and as she did she stopped and bent over to pick up a piece of newspaper that had fallen on the floor. As she did her husband lovingly remarked
"Looks like you need to take some inches off your waist darling, maybe you should wash your clothes in Slim Fast".
In the morning as she was in the bathroom her husband opened the dresser drawer to get some clean underwear. He picked up a pair of boxers and shook them causing a small dust cloud. He called to his wife in the bathroom,
"Honey, why do I have talcum powder all over my underwear ?"
"Oh, that's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow".
"Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, "Mickey Mouse!"
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks,
"What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
(Wait for it....)
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout, "Donald duck!"
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
"Your Queenship," he asked her, "I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," replied Her Majesty, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy" the Queen replied, "You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
She pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room. "You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa," the Queen said.
"Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.
"Mike, answer this for me," said Donald.
"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her - much to her surprise.
"Hillary, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me."
"Sure, Mike," Hillary said. "I'm not one to hold a grudge. What is it?"
"Thanks," said Pence, "It's this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Hillary answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, "Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump.
"Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Hillary Clinton."
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car.
"Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response.
Who's Irish and sits outside all day?
Give a Scouser a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.
A lorry crashed into a toll booth at the Dartford Crossing. A team of workers turned up and they picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it and stuck it back together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the lorry driver to the workers. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Fat wife walks into the living room angry at her husband who is non the wiser. Her hair dishevelled, little bit of blood coming from an elbow.
"I just fell down the stairs!!", she complains to the husband. " Didn't you hear me??".
"Oh. Though it was just the start of EastEnders.
It was Grandads birthday yesterday so we gave him a new cigarette lighter and some strong aftershave.
You should have seen his face light up.
Isn't that a repeat, Fred?
Quote from: K@ on July 05, 2018, 11:07:48 am
Isn't that a repeat, Fred?
It's a getting older thing
I know that one...
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear about the dermatologist who started from scratch?
It was a rash decision.....
We went to a restaurant tonight that specialised in cooking exotic animals and birds.
The Pelican was really tasty, but the bill was enormous!
An old native american couple were being interviewed by the local news team, and the reporter asked the old bloke his name. "my name is Eagle Claw, and this is my wife, Four Ponies". The reporter was trying to impress the old woman so he turned to her and said "What a wonderful name, so evocative"
The old bloke leant forward and said "That's her official name, but in reality its nag, nag, nag, nag...."
My sister's gone to the USA.
Thanks, let me know when she answers. My sister's gone to the USA.
Thanks, let me know when she answers.
Trump's aide on Monday said to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long, winding through Washington, D.C. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage. It was the biggest parade in U.S. history."
Trump beamed and asked, "Was I happy?"
The aide answered, "I don't know, sir, the casket was closed."
:) ;D :D :laugh:
Buying a Chinese takeaway £7.50
Paying extra for delivery 50p
Opening the bag to find a container's missing...
My mate said, "I like your sports car."
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you."
I said, "Yeah go on then. £4000?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."
Saw that coming. Still quite amusing, though. :)
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know for sure yet, but it really made a hole in Juan."
'I made a ventriloquists dummy out of old carpet'
'What was it like?'
QuoteIs this the worst yet?
You hit the nail on the head, there, Freddie.
Freddy Mercury is having dinner in a Greek restaurant while a wedding reception is taking place in the function room.
The happy couple notice him and come over to speak to him.
They ask if he would help them celebrate in the Greek tradition by breaking a couple of plates.
"Certainly" he says "but I need another plate".
"Why is that?" they enquire.
Freddy replies, "I want to break three!"
I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls.
The most common one is "you said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago"
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
YUK! Fruit! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.
There was a woman travelling across Australia desperate for a pee, but being brought up in the city, couldn't just do it by the side of the road. Fortunately she found a farmhouse, knocked on the door and asked if she could use the toilet. The old farmer replied that he only had an outhouse, but she was welcome to it. The woman went out there and from ten feet away the smell was so powerful she almost turned round, but she realised it would only take a minute so she forced herself on, opened the door, waited for the swarm of dunny flies to dissipate and slowly lowered herself on the seat.
Too bad then that just as she was settling in, her arse broke off the top of the crusted pyramid of poo. The stench was unbelievable and she just couldn't help herself and started to vomit.
Well I guess you all know how a siphon works!
Tail of mouse, eye of cat.
Head of newt and wing of bat.
Tongue of toad, ear of dog.
Skin of snake and leg of frog.
No..it's not a witches' potion, it's the reason the council shut down our local kebab shop.
Can you take skin from your buttocks and transplant it onto someone who isn't family?
Arse skin for a friend.
Go to your room!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom .
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister.
The congregation was aghast, you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say ?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
And that's what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.
I can imagine that actually happening.
I've just spent £300 on hiring a limo for the weekend, but apparently it doesn't pay for the driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it...
I don't like to brag BUT... Good Christmas deed done!
Yesterday afternoon at the checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.
I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out.
She didn't want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Two guys were lying in their hospital beds waiting to go to theatre. One asked the other: "What are you in for?"
He answered: " an endoscopy"
"What's that?" the first one asked.
"They put a tube down your throat into your stomach to check for ulcers and cancer. What are you in for?"
"A camera up my backside."
"Ah! That's a colonoscopy" said the first guy.
"No" said the other, "My wife caught me taking pictures of our next door neighbour sunbathing in the nude."
The god of war rode out one day, upon his favourite filly
I'm Thor he cried, the horse replied
Forgot your thaddle thilly
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
an udder failure.
My wife phoned me at work today, she said "Have you been experiencing any unexplained stabbing pains in your chest, like someone is sticking pins in a voodoo doll?"
I thought for a minute then replied "No I don't think I have"
She was silent for a couple of seconds then said "How about now......?"
I'm not saying anything until I get my lawyer present!
But you are a lawyer?
OK, so where's my present?
Social justice warriors are claiming this "normalises" the idea of killing politicians. And anyone posting it should be arrested.
So we should all post it and make them scream!!
I asked my wife if I was the only one for her.
She replied "yes, all the others were nines and tens."
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
She replied: "Identify it."
I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
She replied: "Bring flowers to it every month of so, well at least for the first year, after that it will be a bit like our sex life, your birthday and christmas"
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said, and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Dick van Dyke
When he died he was only 5 feet tall, his statue in Trafalgar Square is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1
I was outside my shop selling lion, the witch, and the wardrobe memorabilia.
A passer by asked me what I was doing.
I told them it's Narnia business.
Why do elephants have big ears?
Noddy won't pay the ransom.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.
How do you attach a helicopter to your face?
With a chin hook.
I told my brother that I was going to try being a vegan for the weekend. .
As he set fire to the charcoal in the Weber, he shook his head with a sad look in his eye and said: "That's a missed steak."
I thought a Weber was a kind of 70s sports carburettor...
Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."
The missus asked "Is it just me, or is the cat getting fat?"
"No, it's just you" was not the right answer apparently...
My partner told me that sex is better on holiday.
Not the best postcard I've ever received...........
It's a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub but a 35 minute walk back.
The difference is staggering.
"Am I going to be OK doc?"
"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
"I don't go in for that astrology stuff."
"Neither do I but my thermometer has just broken."
[At parole hearing]
Officer: Why should you be released early?
Officer: Go on.
Man: I think...
Man: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
What do you call an elf who wins the lottery?
Q. Which Spice Girl can carry petrol better than the rest of them?
A. Geri can...
A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic amusement park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favourite drink, and hey--presto, they would land in a pool full of this drink. So off they went.
The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little un-steady.
Next the redhead, who loved a 10-year-old malt, went flying down shouting "Whisky,, and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically unconscious.
Now it was the blond'es turn. She was very excited, and on
her way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted,
It's ten years ago now that my mate John came out of the room saying "it's a boy, it's a boy", tears streaming down his face
We never did go back to Thailand
My son said his ear hurt.
I asked if it hurt inside or outside.
He walked out the front door, came back in and said "Both".
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
"I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck".
A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
I keep asking people what BDSM means, but they always say that the truth is too painful....
Police in Great Yarmouth are hunting a woman know as the "knitting Needle Nutter"who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 24 hours.
Chief Superintendent Tommy Ballcock believes the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
It was a quiet morning in November 2079 when Bruce woke up with a need to go to the dunny.
For Bruce this wasn't an ordinary day... this was the day when he would use the last of the bog paper his grandparents had bought in 2020.....
Studies suggest that 50% of Americans will be obese by 2030
Do they really think they can get it as low as that?
Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?
Because they eat the bats
Two people found sunbathing in Scotland today have tested positive for hypothermia.
Covid 19 song
All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful
The Chinese eat them all.
Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, just watching TV when I noticed something walking on my knee toward my thigh. It was a tiny creature , I bent towards it to take a closer look, it was a tiny turtle.
A lovely happy tiny turtle. He had a lovely smiley face.
He walked on my thigh, up towards my belly, then he settled on my chest.
We were there, just looking into each other's faces, smiling. Then a peculiar thing happened.
The tiny turtle turned bright silver and his body got smaller at the sides, his tiny smiley face turned into point of a needle.
The tiny turtle had turned into a three inch sharp needle.
The needle took flight and went straight for my left arm.
Straight in it went, punctured an artery which made me bleed profusely
I was screaming and blood was pouring out, then the needle flew straight at my other arm.
I was in complete agony and there was blood everywhere.
I was taken to hospital for sedation, when I awoke I was told I'd need 4 pints of blood..
Imagine how silly I felt when I discovered it wasn't a tiny turtle after all.
It was a terror pin!
Two hedgehogs try to cross a road. The young one won't step on the tarmac. He says him friends have all told him the killer lights come along and make you into a pancake..
The old one says, nay not so. what you have to do is stop between the lights and they just go straight over you. To demonstrate he starts crossing the road and the killer lights appear. True to form the old hedgehog curls up and lies between the lights and the car rolls over him. The young hedgehog is much encouraged and starts to cross the road. Again the lights appear so the little hedgehog works out where to curl up.
The old hedgehog looks down the road towards the receding red lights and says..,
Haven't seen a Reliant Robin for years.
This is a very sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.
My friend Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, the Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast.
Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.
Four days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car.
A little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition; but his Tesla had a flat battery!
How to test yourself for Coronavirus:
Step 1: Pour a glass of wine and try to smell it.
Step 2: If you can smell the wine, then drink some and see if you can taste it.
Step 3: If you can smell and taste it, you can confirm that you don't have Coronavirus.
Last night I did the test 9 times, and all were negative, thank God. (You could try with gin too to guard against false negatives)
Tonight i'm going to take the test again, because I woke up this morning with a headache and feel like I'm coming down with something.
I'm so nervous!