Author Topic: Is this the worst yet?  (Read 34551 times)

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Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #330 on: October 30, 2017, 09:34:23 AM »
Liking the jigsaw...
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #331 on: November 08, 2017, 17:18:33 PM »
Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!"
And his people responded with thunderous applause!
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #332 on: November 08, 2017, 17:43:27 PM »
Sadly likely...
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #333 on: November 26, 2017, 11:14:12 AM »
Damn Amazon and their Black Friday crap.

I ordered four Kindles in their sale and they sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD !!!
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #334 on: December 16, 2017, 08:10:48 AM »
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.
He decided that a few disciple would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Three days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: “Who is it?”
“It’s Mark” Jesus opens the door.
“What did you bring Mark?”
“Marijuana from Colombia”
“Very well son, come in.”

Another soft knock is heard. “Who is it?”
“It’s Matthew” Jesus opens the door.
“What did you bring Matthew?”
“Cocaine from Mexica”
“Very well son, come in.”

At the next knock Jesus asks, “Who is it?”
“It’s John” Jesus opens the door.
“What did you bring John?”
“Crystal meth from Los Angeles”
“Very well son, come in.”

Someone starts pounding on the door. “Who is it?”
“It’s Judas” Jesus opens the door.
“What did you bring Judas?”
“Freeze! This is the FBI!”
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #335 on: December 20, 2017, 17:20:19 PM »
What’s a four-letter word that ends in “k” and means the same as intercourse?
Talk.
I start with a “v” and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I?
Her voice.
I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I?
A nose.
What’s in a man’s pants that you won’t find in a girl’s dress?
Pockets.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #336 on: January 07, 2018, 09:02:54 AM »
 INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna crap it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This doopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
...guitar solo...
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor me.. poor me...poor meee!
...guitar solo...
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, But now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
...guitar solo...slow bit...
Korma, sag or bhuna
bhaji, balti or naan
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
Anyway, the wind blows....shshshsh
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #337 on: January 07, 2018, 19:46:23 PM »
 8)
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #338 on: January 22, 2018, 17:51:35 PM »
What do you call two men behind a pelmet?

Kurt and Rod
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #339 on: January 26, 2018, 18:06:20 PM »
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #340 on: January 27, 2018, 17:58:14 PM »
 :angel:
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #341 on: February 03, 2018, 08:57:58 AM »
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #342 on: February 04, 2018, 08:34:53 AM »
I thought PPI was a condition you got if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #343 on: February 09, 2018, 17:24:34 PM »
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #344 on: February 12, 2018, 10:24:24 AM »
Careful, my ol' china. That was almost amusing, that.  :-*
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse