Author Topic: Is this the worst yet?  (Read 22003 times)

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Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #345 on: February 12, 2018, 17:32:06 PM »
Careful, my ol' china. That was almost amusing, that.  :-*

I'm slipping
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #346 on: February 15, 2018, 17:31:24 PM »
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #347 on: February 16, 2018, 18:02:42 PM »

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
    He was picking his nose!

I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #348 on: February 18, 2018, 17:30:02 PM »
A husband and wife were sitting together after dinner one evening. The wife got up to go to the kitchen and as she did she stopped and bent over to pick up a piece of newspaper that had fallen on the floor. As she did her husband lovingly remarked
"Looks like you need to take some inches off your waist darling, maybe you should wash your clothes in Slim Fast".
In the morning as she was in the bathroom her husband opened the dresser drawer to get some clean underwear. He picked up a pair of boxers and shook them causing a small dust cloud. He called to his wife in the bathroom,
"Honey, why do I have talcum powder all over my underwear ?"
She replied,
"Oh, that's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow".
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #349 on: February 25, 2018, 17:18:56 PM »
"Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

FATHER'S RESPONSE
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #350 on: February 28, 2018, 08:31:46 AM »
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
(Wait for it....)

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #351 on: February 28, 2018, 17:38:59 PM »
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
“Your Queenship,” he asked her, “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” replied Her Majesty, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Trump frowned. “But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?” he asked.

“Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied, “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here.”

The Prime Minister walked into the room. “You called for me, Your Majesty?”
“Answer me this, if you would, Theresa,” the Queen said.
“Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

“Mike, answer this for me,” said Donald.
“Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”

“I'm not sure,” said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.

“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.”

“Sure, Mike,” Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”

“Thanks,” said Pence, “It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!”

Pence smiled, “Thanks!”

Pence then went back to speak with Trump.
“Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. “No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #352 on: March 01, 2018, 17:35:23 PM »
So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car.
"Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #353 on: March 13, 2018, 17:38:45 PM »
.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #354 on: March 18, 2018, 11:41:22 AM »
Who's Irish and sits outside all day?
Patty O'Furniture.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #355 on: April 09, 2018, 16:50:10 PM »
Give a Scouser a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #356 on: May 04, 2018, 17:00:39 PM »
A lorry crashed into a toll booth at the Dartford Crossing. A team of workers turned up and they picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it and stuck it back together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the lorry driver to the workers. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #357 on: May 13, 2018, 17:01:51 PM »
Fat wife walks into the living room angry at her husband who is non the wiser. Her hair dishevelled, little bit of blood coming from an elbow.

"I just fell down the stairs!!", she complains to the husband. " Didn't you hear me??".

"Oh. Though it was just the start of EastEnders.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #358 on: July 05, 2018, 05:56:50 AM »
It was Grandads birthday yesterday so we gave him a new cigarette lighter and some strong aftershave.
You should have seen his face light up.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #359 on: July 05, 2018, 09:19:48 AM »
Isn't that a repeat, Fred?
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse