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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

Quote from: K@ on February 12, 2018, 12:12:24 pm
Careful, my ol' china. That was almost amusing, that.  :-*


I'm slipping
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred


Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
    He was picking his nose!

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A husband and wife were sitting together after dinner one evening. The wife got up to go to the kitchen and as she did she stopped and bent over to pick up a piece of newspaper that had fallen on the floor. As she did her husband lovingly remarked
"Looks like you need to take some inches off your waist darling, maybe you should wash your clothes in Slim Fast".
In the morning as she was in the bathroom her husband opened the dresser drawer to get some clean underwear. He picked up a pair of boxers and shook them causing a small dust cloud. He called to his wife in the bathroom,
"Honey, why do I have talcum powder all over my underwear ?"
She replied,
"Oh, that's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow".
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

"Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

FATHER'S RESPONSE
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, "Mickey Mouse!"
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks,
"What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
(Wait for it....)

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout, "Donald duck!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
"Your Queenship," he asked her, "I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied Her Majesty, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy" the Queen replied, "You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

She pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here."

The Prime Minister walked into the room. "You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa," the Queen said.
"Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

"Mike, answer this for me," said Donald.
"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her - much to her surprise.

"Hillary, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me."

"Sure, Mike," Hillary said. "I'm not one to hold a grudge. What is it?"

"Thanks," said Pence, "It's this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Hillary answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump.
"Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Hillary Clinton."

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

So cold this morning, my wife told me she was going to go out and scrape the car.
"Against what?" was, apparently, the wrong response.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Who's Irish and sits outside all day?
Patty O'Furniture.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Give a Scouser a fish and he'll eat for a day.

Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A lorry crashed into a toll booth at the Dartford Crossing. A team of workers turned up and they picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it and stuck it back together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the lorry driver to the workers. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Fat wife walks into the living room angry at her husband who is non the wiser. Her hair dishevelled, little bit of blood coming from an elbow.

"I just fell down the stairs!!", she complains to the husband. " Didn't you hear me??".

"Oh. Though it was just the start of EastEnders.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

It was Grandads birthday yesterday so we gave him a new cigarette lighter and some strong aftershave.
You should have seen his face light up.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

Isn't that a repeat, Fred?
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse