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Don't let anybody walk through your mind with dirty feet ~ Ghandi


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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Tâf

I'm not saying anything until I get my lawyer present!

But you are a lawyer?

OK, so where's my present?

fred

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

Social justice warriors are claiming this "normalises" the idea of killing politicians. And anyone posting it should be arrested.

So we should all post it and make them scream!!

fred

I asked my wife if I was the only one for her.
She replied "yes, all the others were nines and tens."

I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
She replied: "Identify it."

I asked my wife the other day what was the one thing she really wanted to do with my body.
She replied: "Bring flowers to it every month of so, well at least for the first year, after that it will be a bit like our sex life, your birthday and christmas"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir.
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Nelson


When he died he was only 5 feet tall, his statue in Trafalgar Square is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf


fred

I was outside my shop selling lion, the witch, and the wardrobe memorabilia.
A passer by asked me what I was doing.
I told them it's Narnia business.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Why do elephants have big ears?

Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

fred

How do you attach a helicopter to your face?
With a chin hook.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

I told my brother that I was going to try being a vegan for the weekend. .

As he set fire to the charcoal in the Weber, he shook his head with a sad look in his eye and said: "That's a missed steak."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

I thought a Weber was a kind of 70s sports carburettor...
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse