Author Topic: Is this the worst yet?  (Read 24954 times)

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Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #375 on: September 08, 2018, 17:15:33 PM »
'I made a ventriloquists dummy out of old carpet'

'What was it like?'

'Ruggish'
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #376 on: September 10, 2018, 09:55:52 AM »
Quote
Is this the worst yet?

You hit the nail on the head, there, Freddie.
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #377 on: September 24, 2018, 17:03:38 PM »
Freddy Mercury is having dinner in a Greek restaurant while a wedding reception is taking place in the function room.

The happy couple notice him and come over to speak to him.

They ask if he would help them celebrate in the Greek tradition by breaking a couple of plates.

"Certainly" he says "but I need another plate".

"Why is that?" they enquire.

Freddy replies, "I want to break three!"
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #378 on: September 25, 2018, 08:07:30 AM »
I’ve been having a problem with nuisance phone calls.

The most common one is “you said you’d be home from the pub three hours ago”
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #379 on: September 25, 2018, 17:28:56 PM »
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #380 on: September 26, 2018, 09:59:19 AM »
YUK! Fruit! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #381 on: October 04, 2018, 17:05:30 PM »
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #382 on: October 07, 2018, 08:05:44 AM »
There was a woman travelling across Australia desperate for a pee, but being brought up in the city, couldn't just do it by the side of the road. Fortunately she found a farmhouse, knocked on the door and asked if she could use the toilet. The old farmer replied that he only had an outhouse, but she was welcome to it. The woman went out there and from ten feet away the smell was so powerful she almost turned round, but she realised it would only take a minute so she forced herself on, opened the door, waited for the swarm of dunny flies to dissipate and slowly lowered herself on the seat.

Too bad then that just as she was settling in, her arse broke off the top of the crusted pyramid of poo. The stench was unbelievable and she just couldn't help herself and started to vomit.

Well I guess you all know how a siphon works!
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline K@

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #383 on: October 16, 2018, 17:42:20 PM »
 :)
The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #384 on: October 18, 2018, 17:46:50 PM »
Tail of mouse, eye of cat.
Head of newt and wing of bat.
Tongue of toad, ear of dog.
Skin of snake and leg of frog.

No..it's not a witches' potion, it's the reason the council shut down our local kebab shop.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #385 on: October 25, 2018, 08:05:24 AM »
Can you take skin from your buttocks and transplant it onto someone who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Online Lisa

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #386 on: October 25, 2018, 18:51:18 PM »
Go to your room!
♫ ♬ ♪ ♩ ♭ ♪ For once in your lifetime will you, do what you want not what you have to. ♫ ♬ ♪ ♩ ♭ ♪

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #387 on: October 26, 2018, 08:13:58 AM »
never! ;)
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine

Offline Tâf

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #388 on: October 26, 2018, 08:38:07 AM »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Offline fred

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Re: Is this the worst yet?
« Reply #389 on: October 31, 2018, 17:33:45 PM »
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom .

The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She started walking slowly towards the minister.

The congregation was aghast, you could almost hear a pin drop.

The groom's jaw dropped as he stared at the approaching young woman and child.

Chaos ensued. The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say ?"

There was absolute silence in the church.

The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

And that's what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.
I jumped off a bridge in Paris.

They told me I was in seine