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Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

The missus asked "Is it just me, or is the cat getting fat?"

"No, it's just you" was not the right answer apparently...

fred

My partner told me that sex is better on holiday.

Not the best postcard I've ever received...........
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

It's a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub but a 35 minute walk back.

The difference is staggering.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

"Am I going to be OK doc?"
"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
"I don't go in for that astrology stuff."
"Neither do I but my thermometer has just broken."
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

 [At parole hearing]
Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: I'm...
Officer: Go on.
Man: I think...
Officer: Yes?
Man: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

What do you call an elf who wins the lottery?





Welfy
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Q. Which Spice Girl can carry petrol better than the rest of them?











A. Geri can...
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic amusement park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favourite drink, and hey--presto, they would land in a pool full of this drink. So off they went.
The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little un-steady.
Next the redhead, who loved a 10-year-old malt, went flying down shouting "Whisky,, and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically unconscious.
Now it was the blond'es turn. She was very excited, and on
her way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted,
"Weeeeeee"....
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

It's ten years ago now that my mate John came out of the room saying "it's a boy, it's a boy", tears streaming down his face



We never did go back to Thailand
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

My son said his ear hurt.

I asked if it hurt inside or outside.

He walked out the front door, came back in and said "Both".

fred

 On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.


Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

"I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck".
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.