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August 09, 2020, 15:03:31 pm

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Chaos, panic, and disorder. Our work here is done.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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Nana of 8

Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

I keep asking people what BDSM means, but they always say that the truth is too painful....
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Nana of 8

Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

fred

Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

Police in Great Yarmouth are hunting a woman know as the "knitting Needle Nutter"who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 24 hours.

Chief Superintendent Tommy Ballcock believes the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

fred

It was a quiet morning in November 2079 when Bruce woke up with a need to go to the dunny.

For Bruce this wasn't an ordinary day... this was the day when he would use the last of the bog paper his grandparents had bought in 2020.....
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Studies suggest that 50% of Americans will be obese by 2030

Do they really think they can get it as low as that?
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?

Because they eat the bats
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Two people found sunbathing in Scotland today have tested positive for hypothermia.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Covid 19 song

All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful
The Chinese eat them all.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, just watching TV when I noticed something walking on my knee toward my thigh. It was a tiny creature , I bent towards it to take a closer look, it was a tiny turtle.

A lovely happy tiny turtle. He had a lovely smiley face.
He walked on my thigh, up towards my belly, then he settled on my chest.
We were there, just looking into each other's faces, smiling. Then a peculiar thing happened.

The tiny turtle turned bright silver and his body got smaller at the sides, his tiny smiley face turned into point of a needle.

The tiny turtle had turned into a three inch sharp needle.
The needle took flight and went straight for my left arm.
Straight in it went, punctured an artery which made me bleed profusely
I was screaming and blood was pouring out, then the needle flew straight at my other arm.
I was in complete agony and there was blood everywhere.
I was taken to hospital for sedation, when I awoke I was told I'd need 4 pints of blood..

Imagine how silly I felt when I discovered it wasn't a tiny turtle after all.

It was a terror pin!
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

Two hedgehogs try to cross a road. The young one won't step on the tarmac. He says him friends have all told him the killer lights come along and make you into a pancake..

The old one says, nay not so. what you have to do is stop between the lights and they just go straight over you. To demonstrate he starts crossing the road and the killer lights appear. True to form the old hedgehog curls up and lies between the lights and the car rolls over him. The young hedgehog is much encouraged and starts to cross the road. Again the lights appear so the little hedgehog works out where to curl up.

SPLAT

The old hedgehog looks down the road towards the receding red lights and says..,
Haven't seen a Reliant Robin for years.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.