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Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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fred

Why can't an octopus make nine girls laugh at the same time ?

Because he can only gesticulate.....
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

Mick is walking along the bottom of some scaffolding when suddenly he spies Pete the Brummie flying through the air landing in a crumpled crushed dead heap at his feet. Appalled , Mick screams "begat & begorrah, fit did he dae that fur?" Kevin, the Essex foreman mutters .. " I told him I flew in Wellingtons during the war!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

"What's your favourite part of swimming pools?"

"Not sure, depends I suppose."

"Yeah, mine too."

Tâf

The new Star Wars film will feature a new fat robot to star alongside R2D2 and C3P0, he will be called OBCT.

Nana of 8

Queen Ebayer

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Tâf

I see Sunni and Shia are at each other's throats again.

I thought they split up years ago?  ???

Tâf

The wife said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.

Japan was on, we had sushi.

USA was on, we had burgers.

Italy was on, we had pizza.

Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

Tâf

The bell on my bike has fell off, so I've attached a peashooter to warn people when I'm near.

I've decided to call it my no bell pea surprise.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it....but when I got home all the signs were there.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

fred

In 1944 John Smith got his call-up papers from the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for John Smith since 1944.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred


'Viagra' is now available in tea bags.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.