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September 19, 2020, 07:46:49 am

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Indifference will be the ruin of mankind, but who cares.


Is this the worst yet?

Started by fred, May 06, 2014, 18:30:00 pm

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Tâf

An insect just flew into my room and exploded....


...it must have been a Jihaddy Longlegs.

Tâf

What happened at the end of the Italian fairy tale?

They all lived in Napoli ever after.

Tâf

What do you call an Irish Rastafarian?

Ea-monn.

fred

"Doctor, I've got premature ejaculation"

"Well don't come in here!"
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.

The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?"

I said, "No but I did get a budgie excited once."

fred

A friend just returned from a trip to West Africa and now he can't stop buying raffle tickets...

...we are concerned that he may have contracted Tombola.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

Tâf

I've just release my first single on 7" Vinyl.

A side: Oh I do like to be.

B side: The seaside.

Tâf

What can you jump over that's a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

Tâf

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walk into a bar.

The barman says, "I'm serving Narnia!"

fred

I have just heard that the inventor of perforated paper forms has died.

RIP.
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

I just arrived at one of those Swiss assisted suicide places.

It cost me 44,000 and after paying all that money, guess what the bastards gave me for breakfast this morning?















Cheerios!
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

fred

The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Bristol earlier today.

Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend.

...............................................

First bus to run on shit my arse. What about Cameron's election tourbus?



.................................................. ......

Nick Clegg might as well become a Jehovah's Witness .


They won't be having a party at Christmas either .

.................................................. ..

"I've had a little prang in your new Bentley" texted my wife.

"Is there much damage?" I enquired

"I've only pushed the grill in" she replied

"It's spelt grille darling" I answered.

"No it's definitely grill it's the one at the Savoy" she said
"I've had a little prang in your new Bentley" texted my wife.

"Is there much damage?" I enquired

"I've only pushed the grill in" she replied

"It's spelt grille darling" I answered.

"No it's definitely "grill"............ it's the one at the Savoy" she said

.................................................

Animal rights groups are angry about the treatment of animals in 'I'm A Celebrity'..

They're particularly concerned about the Elephant with blonde hair.

..................................................
I asked my mum where my dad was going with my game of twister,

"He's joining the Masons tonight and he thinks it may help him with the handshakes, " she said.

.................................................


Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.

..................................................

"What is the name of the South African paralympic athlete nicknamed the Blade Runner?" I was asked when appearing on 'Eggheads' tonight.

"Can I take a shot in the dark?" I asked

"We'll give you that one.... it's Oscar Pistorius"

.................................................. .....

Eyes are turning to the next football World Cup and it's difficult to say who might win at this stage though.

Perhaps I should write to FIFA, I'm sure they already know...
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.

K@

The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact. - P. G. Wodehouse

fred

I was in Lidl's t'other day. With them prepping for Xmas they had boxes stacked up. Anyway a couple of boxes of tinned tuna went over and fell on me.


I was a bit shocked but I was OK because I only suffered (wait for it)
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superfishoil injuries
Gym?  Thought you said Gin.