Is this the worst yet?

[Tâf]

What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe

[Tâf]

If either of the Chuckle Brothers ever has a vasectomy then the other one is contractually obliged to have a vasectoyou.

[K@]

Keep digging, Tâf...

[Tâf]

Just as well Humphrey Bogart had a cold when filming Casablanca

I'm not sure the line "here's looking, kid" would have ended up as one of the most memorable movie lines ever.

[fred]

Conjunctivitis.com – now that's a site for sore eyes.

[fred]

A couple arrive at a remote country pub one evening. Nobody in the bar and a bored barman/landlord watching TV.
After a couple of drinks the barman gets chatting to them and a good rapport develops.

The young man says to the barman:-
"I'll bet you twenty quid my wife can pee higher up a wall than you can."
Barman: "Nah, not a chance."
"OK, let's make it forty quid? But no standing on tip-toe, or cheating any other way."

Barman looks at the rather diminutive woman , and decides it's a no-brainer.
"OK, let's go out the back, there'll be nobody watching but just us. Being a gentleman, I offer the lady to go first. OK?"

So, the woman removes her knickers, stands legs apart, lifts her skirts, and starts to pee against the wall.

"Not bad, eh?" says the husband, "That's about fifteen inches up the wall." He marks it with a pencil.

"Right, my turn. This is going to be the easiest forty pounds I've ever earned." says the barman as he opens his flies, takes out his old man and aims it at a spot about two feet up the wall.

"Ah ah ah,NO!" says the woman -


"No hands."

[fred]

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

[K@]

I use "incorrect" as a password. Then, if I forget, I put any old word in and it always tells me that my password's incorrect, which reminds me...

[Tâf]

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You look for the fresh prints.

[K@]

 

[fred]

Sheepdog: Here's the 30 sheep you asked for.

Shepherd: I counted, there's only 26.

Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up.

[fred]

A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65, 000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get the knobhead to reduce it. See you later, dad."

[K@]

 

[fred]

Tell me have you ever wondered when and where yodelling began ? Another true story...

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night there. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, " Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, " Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried, " We made such passionate love last night."

"What ?" shouted the farmer as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked down from the mountainside, cupped his hand to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!"

[fred]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"