Is this the worst yet?

[fred]

One student asked the parachute instructor how long did he have to pull the rip cord?

"The rest of your life" was the reply.

[fred]

There was this woman who loved dogs, so she bought up all the old mill in England and converted then kennels , then she collected stray dogs from a German town. She became so famous they made a film about it.
Cant Remember !!
Well the opening scene the woman running up a hill, with arms open wide singing....
"The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich"

[fred]

Hear about the Irishman, Northern Irishman and the Englishman who went into a bar? Barman says, "Come to watch Wales in the QF then lads?"

I told her not to be ridiculous: you don't get football on tv in the departure lounge!

[fred]

Just went on one of those "once in a lifetime holidays"

Jeeeez, I'll tell ya, NEVER again !

[fred]

Pulled into the services to fill up the car today,and didn't realise I'd splashed some petrol on the sleeve of my jacket.
Pulls out onto the motorway and went to light a cigarette,well my arm only ended up catching fire didn't it,so I stuck my arm out the window to try and blow it out,I dI'd this as a police car was overtaking me.
End result,they charged me with being in posession of an unlicensed fire arm

[Nana of 9]

An armalite? 

[fred]

What do you call an Egyptian window cleaner?


Sheikh Ma Chamois

[K@]

 

[fred]

Three Indian blokes snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

I phal over and died, one is in a korma and the third now has a dodgy tikka.

[K@]

They committed hurry curry , obviously.

[fred]

Two old guys decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?"--- "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..'

His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch??. . Why would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!"

[fred]

Hired a gardener today and gave him a list of things to do.

When I got back home he'd only done tasks 1,3 & 5.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

[K@]

 

[fred]

A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe. They are drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves.

The publican chases him down the street, saying 'Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!"

The man says 'It's not a lion, it's a giraffe.'

[K@]