Is this the worst yet?

[Nana of 9]

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2000 per month.
______________________________ _____
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
______________________________ ____
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
______________________________
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
______________________________ ______
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
______________________________ __________
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
______________________________ ________
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
______________________________ ______
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
______________________________ ______
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
______________________________ ____
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
______________________________ ____
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
______________________________ _____
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

[Nana of 9]

I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in Strangeways.

[fred]

Hollywood are making an action movie about the great classical composers.
Bruce Willis says he wants to play Beethoven.
Sylvester Stallone says he want to play Mozart

And Arnold Schwarzenegger says "in that case I'll be Bach "

[fred]

I went to the doctor as I kept seeing Mickey Mouse, Pluto and Goofy. He said "Sounds like you're having Disney spells."

[fred]

I said to the baker "Why is it that all those cakes are 50p but this one, which is the same size, is £1"
He said "That's Madeira cake."

[K@]

 

[fred]

A man has started to sue his local hospital saying that after surgery his wife has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied that his wife had been admitted for only cataract surgery. It had been successful and full sight had been restored.

[fred]

Overheard, an old man talking to a lady in a pub,
She; "I remember you when you were younger, you could bend an iron bar around your erection, bet you can't still do it".
He; "No, no longer I'm afraid, lost all the strength in my wrists".

[fred]

The original cast of the 1960 Western, 'The Magnificent Seven" were reunited in Albert Docks, on the river Mersey in Liverpool, to star in a promotional video for Chanel Homme aftershave.
However, only six of them actually turned up.




Yul never wore cologne.

[K@]

Took me a few seconds to get that one...

[fred]

Sad news. Proposed Devon & Cornwall tour by supergroups Cream & The Jam cancelled after promoters couldn't decide which one should go on first.

[fred]

Two for one:

It was midnight, lock up time at the old country pub. As the staff cashed up and put the money into the safe, they washed the glasses and restocked the bar, Then, they heard a terrible sound. A chilling caterwauling could be heard echoing through the bar. As the dying fire made the polished horse brasses glint, glasses were shattering in the racks above the bar. Corks popped from bottles, released champagne gushed...and then, they saw it.

A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.

"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"

The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...

"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."





Tiddles should have consulted the renown Vet Dr FrankInMug who was famouse for the first succesfull feline tail transplant.
So skilled was the great Dr. that te was even able to split a donor tail in two to provide a new tail for two cats.

As his fame spread a worldwide bestselling novel was written in his honor:




wait for it




The title of the novel was:




A tail of two kitties.

[fred]

Sad news at the Nestle chocolate factory today, a man was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" Everyone just cheered!!

[fred]

Peppa pig jig saw puzzle

[fred]

A passionate kiss, like a spider web, can lead to the undoing of a fly.