Is this the worst yet?

[fred]

A zoo had two Gnus. A male Gnu and a female Gnu. It soon became apparent that the female Gnu was in a condition that indicated that there would soon be the patter of tiny hooves. Eventually a beautiful baby Gnu was born and entranced everyone as it took it's first wobbly steps around the enclosure. One day it became apparent that the young Gnu was not at all well and, despite every effort and treatment from the vet the little Gnu died. The female Gnu was - understandably - distraught and moped and mooched around in a depressive state wasting away until she died. This greatly affected the male Gnu who now began to look very dejected and assumed the attitude of a depressed Gnu. Once again, for the third time the zoo staff could only look on in horror as the male Gnu died.


Well, that's the end of the Gnus now here's the weather............

[K@]

 

Who rode the moped, then?

[fred]

I tried to share a bag of chips and a coffee with a homeless bloke in Leeds yesterday.


He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

[fred]

A friend of mine needed a bone marrow transplant. Luckily, we found a match in Argentina and the operation was a success.

Our heartfelt thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

[fred]

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[K@]

You're excelling yourself, Freddy...

[fred]

Two Irish nuns have just
arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people in
this country actually eat
dogs."

"Odd," her companion
replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we
might as well do as the
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a
push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs
here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog
cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says
one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps
both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited,
the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their
'dogs.'

The mother superior is
first to open hers.
She begins to blush,
and then, after staring
at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and in
a soft brogue whispers:

"What part did you get?"

[K@]

 

[fred]

I bought a Mini Cooper last week. Now there's little barrels all over the house.

[K@]

Took me a second... 

[fred]

Why do the ships of the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on their sides?

So that when they return to port, they Scan de navy in.

[fred]

I met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area in the pub last night.

He had a Wigan address

[K@]

 

[fred]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Farther Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up,....it's a mir....wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the
town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe). Yet the Holy See must be very cautious
before ruling it a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[fred]

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman whose wife had bouncy twin boys?

He called one of them Jose, and the other....












Hose B.