Is this the worst yet?

[fred]

A young child has been sitting in the toilet for some time, so his mother decides to see what he is up to. She goes in to find the youngster sat on the toilet reading a book, when he puts the book down and hits himself on the head. this happens every ten seconds or so. The mother asks what he is doing and is he OK. the boys says he is OK  but he hasn't done anything yet. Mother asks why he keeps hitting his head. He replied.........




It works for ketchup.

[fred]

Noah's diary: Day 39.

"Unicorn steaks are  delicious!"

[fred]

The pessimist says "It can't get any worse."

The optimist says "Of course it can."

[fred]

I have a friend who mistook daffodil bulbs for onions and cooked and ate them. Apparently daff bulbs are highly toxic so he is now in hospital.


He should be out next spring.

[K@]

[fred]

Was giving a friend a driving lesson yesterday and I told her to depress the clutch so she looked down and said everybody likes the brakes and the accelerator is better than you.

[fred]

An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.
"She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she does have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl. "Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow White."

[K@]

[fred]

Bloody 'auto-spell', it's your worst enema!

[fred]

Peter! ..........Peter?

Yes Lord?

Take the nails out

Yes Lord!

FEET FIRST YA BASTARD!!!!!!

[fred]

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden* early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

[fred]

I was feeling ill and lying on the sofa staring out of the window when I thought I saw a sausage fly past the window. Looking more closely I saw that it was really a seabird. I'd obviously taken a tern for the wurst.

[K@]

 

[Nana of 9]

[fred]

A modest Irish young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes Madame," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied, innocently lowering her lashes.