Is this the worst yet?

[fred]

My mum taught us to always wash food before preparing and eating.

Lovely woman.

Terrible sandwiches.

[fred]

After a lifetime of struggling with my reading, and in my fifth decade, I have finally been diagnosed with dyslexia.

It's such a relief.

It's music to my arse.

[K@]

[fred]

Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year...

[fred]

My missus has asked me to get her something silky for Valentine's day,
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong feckin colour!!

[K@]

That was when the fight started.

[Nana of 9]

Paddy walks into the site office carrying a flask.
Murphy: What you got there then?
Paddy: Tis a new flask
Murphy: Whats it do then?
Paddy: It keeps hot tings hot and cold tings cold
Murphy: So what you got in it then?
Paddy: Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.

[K@]

[Tâf]

"Look at that flock of cows"...

"Herd of cows you idiot"...

"Course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them over there"

[fred]

Newsreader:
The death of Kim Jong-nam is believed to have been caused by the application of handkerchiefs carrying a nerve agent to his face by two women.
Some commentators have asked why the women who applied it were not harmed before they could commit the offence and the answer is that two different chemicals were used which, when combined, became lethal.

The crime would have worked perfectly but for the women's decision to 'high-five' later in the car park.

[fred]

A French  farmer  returns from the Salon of Agriculture in Paris and says to his wife:
"Honey, look at what I brought back from Paris, condoms with all the flavours: strawberry, vanilla, apple etc ...
So, we'll have a game, I'll turn off the light, put one on and you will have to recognize the flavour.

Ready? I'll turn off the light ... "

The wife says: "Roquefort?"

Farmer says "Hang on, hang on......I haven't started yet..."

[K@]

 

[fred]

Paddy takes his son to the zoo when they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said "That elephant over there can tell how old you are with just one look."
Paddy's son shouts over " How old am I Mr Elephant?"
The elephant looks back at Paddy's son and stamps his foot 6 times.
"Wow!" says Paddy "That's right my boy is 6 years old , so he is."
So Paddy shouts over to the elephant "Well how old am I Mr Elephant?"
The elephant looks back at Paddy, breaks wind and stamps his foot twice.
Paddy say's "Bejesus, he's only got it friggin' right! I'm farty two."

[K@]

That's almost quite clever, that.

[fred]

Bet you didn't know this. The new one pound coin has been designed so it can be extracted from a Yorkshire mans hand with a spanner.