Is this the worst yet?

[fred]

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!

[Tâf]

I would regard myself as open minded.

If a blind man wants to drive a bus, I won't stand in his way.

[Tâf]

I had a fling with a woman from my fencing club.

It was a rather sworded affair.

[fred]

Scotsman: "I'm awa' to the dance the noo."

Englishman: "Ballroom?"

Scotsman; "Aye, I'm wearin' the kilt!"

[fred]

The London Underground lost property office received a mysterious box. They called the bomb squad who carefully opened it to find inside a coronet. Further inquiries revealed it had been left by a member of the House of Lords, who on his way home from a long sitting in the house, and was getting on a bit & rather absent minded. Anyway they traced the doddery noble lord & returned the coronet to his stately pile on the Yorkshire moors.

It was indeed the Rt Hon. Ilkley Moor, bart's hat.

[fred]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

[fred]

I've booked a surprise table for 2 later on tonight. Let's hope her snooker skills have improved since last time

[Tâf]

Where can you find scenic pictures of holiday resorts ?

...Answers on a postcard.

[Nana of 9]

Heard someone refer to a "walk-in, walk-out wardrobe" the other day. I'd always assumed the "walk-out" bit was implicit...

[fred]

A bloke cleaning out his attic discovered an old oil painting and an old violin.

Thinking they might be worth something, he took them both along to an art dealer to have them appraised.

The art dealer examined them and mused, "Well, well - what you have here, is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius!"

"So they're both worth a great deal?!", exclaimed the bloke excitedly.

"Hell, No", said the dealer. "Rembrandt couldn't produce any musical instrument that would play a decent tune, and Stradivarius was an utterly hopeless painter!"

[fred]

What do you call an exploding monkey?........................................... .................................BABOOM!

[K@]

[fred]

sorry ladies


There's been outrage amongst feminist groups upon hearing that in some Islamic countries that women can't drive.

Whilst completely overlooking the fact that the same is also true in all Western countries......

[K@]

[fred]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.


Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bo**ocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"