Is this the worst yet?

[Tâf]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!

[K@]

[Tâf]

Sean Connery has adopted a homeless tabby cat covered in fag ends.

He said it was ashtray cat.

[Tâf]

My duck is a master of karate.

Quacky Chan.

[Tâf]

I turned into a cat earlier.

Don't ask meow.

[fred]

We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.

My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.

[Tâf]

My family has lived in the East End for generations, so I've given my son a good Cockney name.

Landon.

[Tâf]

My son sent me a card in hospital saying, 'Get Hell Soon'.

He meant well.

[fred]

A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,

"Enter the dragon, " I replied.

"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically,

[fred]

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

[fred]

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate."

He said, "Are you 18?"

I said, "No."

He said, "I can't serve you then."

As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?"

[fred]

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.

[fred]

Today, I walked into a restaurant.

"Hi, is my table ready?"

"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"

"No, that's okay."

"Great, take these to table six then."

[fred]

The wife stormed indoors, "You bastard, I'll never get rid of that smell."
"But you said I could do it!" I replied.
"Like f**k I did!" she said.
"You did. I told you the toilet was blocked and I was desperate."
"But I told you to go to your mum's round the corner?" she stammered.

"And I said I didn't think I'd make it and you said, never mind, here's the keys, go in my car!"

[K@]