Is this the worst yet?

[fred]

The standard of holidaymaker visiting Cornwall has gone somewhat down the pan. One summer evening there was a husband and wife having a ding dong argument in front of all the kids, then he hit her, she belted him back, this went on for a bit until the plod arrived, but the bloke pinched his truncheon and started on him.......





then a crocodile ate all the sandwiches.

[Nana of 9]

 

[fred]

One blonde to another. "I think my boyfriend dresses well."
The other, "Quickly too."

[fred]

A man visited his doctor and said that he kept getting delusions that he was the number twenty.

The doctor examined him and said that he needed to relax as he was simply two tense.


I used to have a goldfish that could break-dance on the carpet.
It only lasted about 20 seconds and it only happened once.

[fred]

The Poo List

Ghost Poo
You know you have pooed. There is poo on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.

Teflon Coated Poo
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to see if you have been.

The Phut Poo.
A one walnut, no relief, "could have sworn you needed a better one than that" poo. Sometimes main constituent of the "Pop a Vein in your Head Poo". NEVER precedes the Second Thought Poo. Earlier formation of the Right Now Poo. Can be relied upon to precede the Big Occasion Poo.

Gooey Poo
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your undies so that you do not stain them. The poo leaves permanent marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poo
You are all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise....... You have some more to come.

Pop a Vein in your Head Poo.
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It does not want to come out until you are all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watcher's Poo
You poo so much that you lose several kilograms.

The Right-Now Poo
You had better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode-Choker Poo
This one is so big you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else's house.

Cork Poo
Even after the third flush it is still floating in the bowl. This one also is prevalent at someone else's house, especially when the host is waiting outside the door to use the toilet after you.
Closely related to this poo is :-
The Oh No Poo
Cork, balsa call it what you like, even the Alzheimers Poo. There it is floating/lurking when your host/girlfriend walks in and you're half way down the stairs before you remember you didn't flush the toilet.

Wet Cheeks Poo
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.

The Aarrrghhh Poo
This poo only happens when the water in the toilet is freeeezing cold. No warning, the torpedo hits the water in a millisecond, flattens like a dum-dum bullet and creates an all-invasive fountain which puts you in a foul mood for the rest of the day/evening/night. Essential to the formation and execution of this poo is the TOTAL lack of toilet paper within a day's walk!!!

Beer Drinker's and Meat Pie Eater's Poo
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell too badly, but this one is BAD. This one usually happens at your new girl/boy friend's house and they're outside the door, next in line.

Mexican Food Poo (also called Screamers)
You'll know it is safe to eat again when your backside stops burning.

Big Occasion Poo (Weddings, Graduation Ceremony, Auntie's Funeral, etc., etc.)
This poo really starts to make it's presence felt just as you enter the church, climb the stage, stand up to speak in front of honoured guests/colleagues/royalty etc., or when you have just passed the last service station for fifty miles on a freeway/motorway, whatever, and you're already late for The Big Occasion. No matter what you think about to rid your mind of the ever burgeoning size of this poo, you just know there is no way out of your predicament. What's worse, is that you know damned well it's going to develop, in parabolic proportion to the length of time you are obliged to stand there, into the very, very worst RIGHT NOW POO. EVER

And finally, the Aaahhhhhhhh Poo.
Yes, it's the one that the Right Now Poo turns into (IN YOUR DREAMS, MATEY!!)

[Nana of 9]

 

All so true!!

[fred]

Masochist: "Whip me"

Sadist: "No"

[fred]

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site"



A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

[fred]

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

[K@]

Yeah...

[fred]

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan !
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan . And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: O h ......God!!! !

[Lisa]

Lol

[K@]

Test.

[K@]

[fred]

John my piano tuner is in the lounge working his usual miracles on my piano. I've just made him a sandwich.
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Its a Tuna sandwich.